>Tricks and Treats

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What’s scarier than Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers? My inner monologue. As a staunch advocate of all pagan holidays, masquerades, and free-candy-festivals of mayhem, here’s my….

20-Minute Stream-of-Consciousness Handbook to Halloween!

Scary:
–The flashback section in Unbreakable, in which the psycho barges into the suburban home and kills the father and mother in cold blood before locking their children in the closet.

Not Scary:
–Little boys that whisper.

Scary:
The Shining, and everything about it.

Not Scary:
–Killer videotapes

–If you ever handed out Bit-O-Honey, generic “strawberry wrapper” candies, anything licorice-related, or a toothbrush on Halloween, I don’t want to know you.

–If you were that guy on the block that, for the first hour, had full-sized candy bars (we’re talking Snickers, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Hershey, etc.), you probably deserve a Nobel Prize.

–Also, I hated “the Apple Lady.” I get your point, and I hate you for it, you self-righteous fruit merchant. I have a health-conscious mom the other 364 days of the year. On Halloween, I don’t need two.

–If you handed out “handful candies” in single increments (e.g. each kid gets ONE Jolly Rancher), you belong in prison between Apple Lady and Bit-O-Honey Guy. And that prison needs to be run by every jaded juvenile defender in South Central Los Angeles.

–Calling the cops when kids are rolling your house on Halloween is like calling the fire department when someone lights the menorah for Hannukah.

–No, I don’t know what my costume is. Yes, I’m way too old to be here. Do you want to confer with the Security Council first or just give me the damn candy?

Most Underrated Candy:
Nerds. Everyone thinks chocolate first, but Nerds are delicious, sugar-potent, and deceptively long-lasting. Unless you’re in a sugar-fix and turn the box upside-down into your mouth. But, um, who does that??

Most Overrated Candy:
Almond Joy. Mounds. I’m not even going to pretend I know which one of you has nuts–I just know you both have coconut, and I’m pretty sure that’s a fruit. And the ninth amendment to the Constitution states, “No fruits on Halloween. Also, coconut is a fruit.” So, these little wastes of time are not only cumbersome to eat and wholly disgusting….they’re UnAmerican. Almond Joy should be renamed Almond Pain, or Almond Depression. There is no joy here.

–I’ve never been a costume historian myself, but I think I’ve noticed a trend: if you’re under 10, you dress as something adorable. If you’re under 20, you dress as something scary. If you’re over 20, you dress as something promiscuous.

–For the record, I like everything about that trend.

Caramel Apple Lady is not the same as Apple Lady. Caramel Apple Lady is a philanthropist and a demigod. Of course, my hands are trapped underneath pounds of rubber maskery and I’m only carrying a pillowcase, so I really have nothing to do with this caramel apple for the next six hours. But we appreciate the hustle, Caramel Apple Lady.

–If you have a roommate and a two-way radio and you don’t hide the other radio in his room and make scary noises at 4am until he knocks on your door to ask if you hear anything, then repeat the process until he goes to class at 8, sleep-deprived and a little freaked out…well, I don’t know if we have much to talk about.

–As a kid, one of my best buds did not like candy. I went with him. I got his candy. Did I mention he was one of my best buds?

–Yes, I was morbidly obese by the age of 12. It’s been a long, oat-filled journey my friends.

–In 2003, #3 Virginia Tech was upset by West Virginia. It was a massive beating and I wasn’t sure if I could recover. The next week, on the Thursday before Halloween, they were set to play #2 Miami. This was the second-biggest game in the history of the program. I carved my pumpkin “VT” that Wednesday night, and left it burning on Thursday. Virginia Tech throttled Miami that night. Every year since, I have carved my Hokie Pumpkin for whatever game predates Halloween, and every year they’ve won. This year, I carved it before the Thursday night game against a heavily-favored Clemson squad. The Hokie Pumpkin delivered another victory. And what I’m trying to say is this: I believe in ghosts.

Happy Halloween,
Chris

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>Tricks and Treats

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