Hey Milam, who do you endorse for the 2008 elections?
I know my endorsement has tremendous impact in this presidential race and plenty of candidates have been jockeying for position. I get calls constantly (at 3AM, no less!) from Barack, Hillary, even Ron Paul’s crazy face. McCain doesn’t call. Sometimes I call him. He’s got other things going on.
For this election, the stakes couldn’t be higher: the economy is recessing…receedering…recesserizing…it’s bad. There’s a war, still. Gas costs $87 a gallon. Schools are busing directly to jails. Somehow I don’t qualify for health insurance, which is relentlessly lame, since I’m out of prescription cough syrup. I don’t need to tell you that this country is “going through a rough patch,” and we need a talented leader with serious solutions to blaze a trail to our collectively better future.
That’s why I’m endorsing Joey Dorsey for President.
Some questions you might be asking right now:
1) Uh, who is Joey Dorsey?
Joey Dorsey is this guy. He’s a basketball player for the University of Memphis State University Basketball Tigers. He goes about 7’3, 514. He’s awesome.
2) What makes Joey Dorsey qualified to be President?
I just told you that he’s awesome. Pay attention. Look, you can go to CNN right now and read all about Hillary acting like a crazy chick at a rush party. Or McCain taking a nap. Or watch Ron Paul look like Mr. Magoo. Or Obama…well, he’s alright. But none of them can dunk. Not one of them. Why would you elect someone who can’t dunk when you can elect someone who can? How does that make sense?
3) I need more information. What else can you tell me about Joey Dorsey?
Here’s just a small list of things Joey Dorsey has done in a very short time:
–Averaged 7 points, 10 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game this season.
–Did a lot of this.
–Was arrested for THIS and THIS, thus knows the justice system first-hand.
–Loves The Wire.
–Faced basketball phenom and #1 overall draft selection Greg Oden in last year’s Elite 8. Called Oden “overrated” and the “David” in the matchup, to Dorsey’s “Goliath.” Attempted to rewrite a popular Biblical story by making Goliath the favorite, and the winner, in the matchup.
4) Can you give me a homespun anecdote to indicate what type of mythical leader of men Dorsey is?
Sure. After the trumped-up nightclub charge and arrest, Coach John Calipari decided he’d let Joey Dorsey face the media himself and answer questions point-blank. No press chiefs here, folks. Just Dorsey and The Truth. Joey Dorsey didn’t shy away from questions. Pensive and bespectacled, Dorsey answered questions about his whereabouts that night directly and thoughtfully. (Roughly paraphrased…)
“Mr. Dorsey, were you at the night club?”
“Mr. Dorsey, did you assault a security guard at the nightclub?”
“Mr. Dorsey, did you jump on the bar at one point, take a handful of cash, and ‘make it rain’?”
“That I did.”
Straight-Talk Express, anyone???
5) Does Joey Dorsey know he’s running for President?
I don’t think so. Joey’s so focused on winning the tournament and being completely awesome, I doubt he’s given much thought to his Presidential campaign. I need to talk to him about it.
6) Who is his running mate?
The campaign is keeping the short-list very hush-hush. It includes Tiger teammate Andre Allen, fellow Baltimore native and The Wire creator David Simon, and Dennis Kucinich, for funsies.
7) Which party is he in?
Every party. Joey Dorsey is pro-party.
8) Where does he stand on all the issues?
Health Care: Joey Dorsey is single-handedly responsible for many peoples’ health…their injuries and their medical care. He’s with you every step of the way…assault to recovery.
The War in Iraq: Joey Dorsey wants to personally fight everyone in Iraq and end this, once and for all. When asked for comment, Iraq said “crap.”
Education: Joey Dorsey is working towards a bachelor’s degree. He supports education in general, but recognizes that it might not be for everyone.
The Economy: Joey Dorsey is going to be drafted this summer by an NBA team. That means he’s going to get paid. Big time. He insists that his wealth will trickle down to the masses, as it did at that nightclub, when he made it rain. A Robin Hood of the modern era? You bet.
Immigration: Joey Dorsey supports immigration. He likes folks from everywhere, and is passionate about Mexican food. Can Ron Paul say that?
8) This all sounds great.
I know. It’s awesome.
9) What can I do to help?
Joey Dorsey wants the public to realize he’s helping them one step at a time. His first step is winning a championship for the Memphis Tigers. He realizes that America’s greatest threat is Tyler Hansbrough. After he’s defeated, Joey Dorsey can focus on Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and other things that are annoying.
10) Isn’t he too young to be President?
Joey Dorsey has heard this criticism before and he’s currently rewriting the Constitution to support his candidacy. Under his revision, the President needs only to be:
a) An American citizen.
b) A minimum of 6’4.
c) Able to beat pretty much anyone in a fistfight.
Look, I’m not going to preach to you. If you just read everything there and aren’t convinced, then maybe Joey Dorsey isn’t the right candidate for you. But if you love America, and basketball, and people being awesome, and think that businesses of ill-repute deserve a chance to make it in this country, and believe our leaders should be able to personally fight our wars against other countries, man-to-man, and that young athletes are best equipped to man the highest office in the free world, then maybe Joey Dorsey is the President for you.
Yes He Will,
P.S. HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!! A few music recs:
–The Pogues “White City,” “Galway Bay,” and “Time”
–Cory Branan, “Rosemary Brown”
–Stuff by That Dude from The Once Soundtrack
–Everything ever by the Dropkick Murphys….that’ll do ya.