The future is here. While I’ve only seen a few flying cars, and I’ve only fought a few robots thus far, I do know one thing:
This decade is already bringing it. To wit:
–Alabama won a national championship (RTR, people)
–I’ve got a new album out
–I’m heading to LA this week
–A new Fan of the Month
Things are off to a fast and furious start. So January’s Fan of the Month needed someone who would come out of the gate swinging. Fortunately for me, I’ve got fantastic fans who are willing to comply with any month, any year, any time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, the one, the only….
January’s Fan of the Month, Dutch in Memphis!
(If you’d like to be a future Fan of the Month, just email email@example.com with “FOM” in the Subject. Thanks!)
Collierville, TN, more affectionately known as “Cooterville,” “The C-Ville,” or the “town-that-wants-to-be-Germantown-but-never-will.” Both are suburbs of Memphis, a city that gets beat up a lot by the national media and joked about by those who live in other Tennessee towns like Nashville and Knoxville. Mainly because they wish their cities had the cultural, musical and sports history Memphis boasts.
What can either of those cities bring to the party? Nothing, I say. To quote my buddy Big Jer, “Nashville is just a country version of Orlando.” Who wants that? And Knoxville, if I want scenery I can go to Gatlinburg, thank you very much.
(Editor’s Note: In three short paragraphs, we’ve managed to take shots at non-Memphis-Tennessee, and non-Memphis-Memphis. This Dutch is prolific! I’m riveted.)
Something the average interweb browser wouldn’t know about me is…?
Wow. I’m not sure what’s blazing around the information superhighway about me right now. I guess I’ll put myself out there and say that if I’m in my car and “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson comes on, I will sing along. I know there are more popular Clarkson tunes, but that one gets me for some reason and I can’t control myself. I’m all out, top-of-my-lungs singing to the rafters and possibly pointing to a confused/scared man in the car next to me.
The music scene in Memphis is…?
The best. End of story. Lucero. Cory Branan. North Mississippi All-Stars. Harlan T. Bobo. Reigning Sound. The Secret Service. MGMT. Not to mention former bands like the Pawtuckets. Pick any night of the week and you can hit up places like Young Avenue Deli, The Hi-Tone or the even The Buccaneer and see local music that blows away just about anything else out there.
(Editor’s Note: I’ll add Three 6, Al Kapone, Eightball & MJG, Amy LaVere, Alvin Youngblood Hart, and countless others to that list. I’ll remove MGMT, though. Dudes in the band are from Memphis, but the band’s isn’t. Guess it’s a difference in how you define it; it’s the same reason Little Rock claims Lucero.)
Whatcha do for a living?
Seems like too many things at the moment. Working at a bank pays the bills, but I write about sports for Memphis Sport and talk about them as well for “Memphis Sport Live,” a local radio show.
Who is Jerry?
Jerry is what gives us our power. He is an energy field created by all living things. He surrounds us and penetrates us. He binds the galaxy together. Simply put, Jerry is in this water.
(Editor’s Note: This could end up being as weird/awesome/inflammatory as November’s FOM, Dr. Benway. That’s where I’m setting the bar, 5 questions in.)
Any New Years Resolutions? Do you plan to keep them?
Not really. I’m going to try and be healthier in general: eat (a little) better, try to exercise (probably not). I plan on trying to keep it but I also plan on trying to become the first real Jedi, so…
When was the last time you ate at Burger King?
Uh, I think at some point in the past year I had a double cheeseburger from the BK. If I recall, it didn’t sit too well, either.
You have one meal left in life but it has to be fast food. You can pick and choose different items from different joints. Name that meal!
Not sure how these all mesh together as a meal but here goes:
Cheesy Double Beef Burrito – Taco Bell
Chicken Sandwich – Chick-Fil-A
Large Fries – McDonald’s
Route 44 Cherry LimeAid – Sonic
(Editor’s Note: Gastro-intestinal issues be darned–it’s your last meal! Go for the glory.)
What music publications/blogs/sites do you read? Any of them good?
I have to be honest here: I don’t have a whole lot of time to read music publications/sites/blogs. But when I do I obviously check out the Chris Milam Blog, I read Chris Herrington’s stuff from the Memphis Flyer site. Every once in a while I’ll check out the Rolling Stone site, but that entire publication has been a joke for a long time. If I look at an actual print publication it’s usually Paste.
Pick your dream concert. Any three (living) artists, anywhere, any venue, any month, any time of day. What is it? What’s it called?
Wow. Well even though I’ve seen all of these band multiple times, I think together it would be glorious.
Lucero, Pearl Jam and My Morning Jacket.
The venue: The Orpheum in Memphis, on a lovely early June evening.
It’s called “Rock: The Way it Should Be.”
You can pick one album as your morning alarm for a year. The songs and their “wake-up” segments will shuffle randomly, but you are stuck with this album for a full year. What is it?
Pearl Jam, Vs.
(Editor’s Note: I told you this guy was fiery. I couldn’t take the chance on Vs. For every time “Animal,” “Go,” or “Dissident” came on, I’d hear “WMA” and wake up feeling vaguely political, or get “Indifference” and never leave bed. But that’s just me.)
If you could fight any public figure, who would it be and why?
So many to choose from. I could go the easy route and pick some blowhard demagogue like Limbaugh or Beck, but I think (and hope) there are plenty of others who would be lined up behind me to take them out. Instead, I’ll go with someone who may or may not be considered a public figure, but who undoubtedly tries his best to ruin my movie-going experience.
His name is Bradford How, and he hosts the Screenvision crap that comes on before the previews start. I hate his face. I hate his attire and how it looks like it used to fit him before he lost 50lbs. And most of all, I hate the smarmy little smile he tries to keep on his face even while he’s talking. I believe I’ll be doing movie goers everywhere a huge disservice if I don’t act on this impulse.
(Editor’s Note: Best. Answer. Ever. Also, Dutch isn’t the only one. A Google search of my misspelled “Bradford Howe” yielded a “I Hate Bradford Howe” page…AS THE FIRST RESULT.)
Fill in the blanks!
Five favorite artists from the 60’s are…?
Five favorite artists from the 90’s are…?
Rage Against the Machine
Five favorite artists from the 2000’s are…?
My Morning Jacket
Kings of Leon
The White Stripes
Some more singer/songwriters I love are… ?
Cory Branan, Ryan Adams, Tom Waits, Bob Dylan, David Gray and, of course, Chris Milam.
….is my favorite Beatle.
Ringo. I’m starting to realize that he was a lot better drummer than I think he’s given credit for and his drum parts on The Beatles: Rock Band game are the most difficult/fun parts to play.
…is my favorite adjective in the English language.
Ignorant. It’s the perfect word for SO MANY people in this world but most people just use the word “stupid” when it really doesn’t even apply. “Zany” was a close second mainly because it was one of only two I could think of that start with a Z.
Favorite wrongly-heard song lyric is…? (e.g. “Excuse me while I kiss this guy…”)
All of Pearl Jam’s “Yellow Ledbetter.” I’m really not sure if anyone, including Eddie, knows the lyrics. They seem to change a lot from concert to concert. But there is a fantastic video parody of the misheard lyrics on YouTube.
Favorite rock album of the Oughts?
There were some great albums: Pearl Jam’s Backspacer; Green Day’s 21st Century Breakdown; Foo Fighters’ Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace; Radiohead’s In Rainbows; your pick of a Kings of Leon or Lucero album. But I’ve got to go with My Morning Jacket’s Z because, aside from one weird song, it’s still their best album. And I think that says a lot.
(Editor’s Note: Great pick. That is all.)
Favorite non-rock album of the Oughts?
I really liked the She & Him debut as well as Chris Milam’s Up but I think I’ll stay (sort of) close to home and go with JT’s FutureSex/LoveSounds.
Favorite movie (you can pick separate ones for comedy and drama)?
I assume this is from the Oughts as well, so I’ll go with The Dark Knight. This is one of my favorite movies of all time. It was the first comic book movie to be adult, but credible at the same time. Not only can it stand as the greatest comic book movie of all-time, but it can also stand as just a great crime drama. It still bothers me that it wasn’t nominated for best picture. If movies about elves and dwarfs can win eleven Oscars, I think it’s only fair that one about a vigilante in mostly real life scenarios can garner a mere “Best Picture” nomination.
Favorite TV show (you can pick separate ones for comedy and drama)?
Again, I’m still assuming Oughts here, so I’ll say Arrested Development. Perfect cast. Great writing. And just different and quirky enough to not become too big for itself. Unfortunately, it’s no longer on television but I can watch it over and over on DVD and still laugh. Michael: “Circumvent. It means to go around.” Gob: “Ah, the old reach-around.” Classic.
(Editor’s Note: We’re about to talk a little sports. If you have no interest in basketball, skip ahead. If you have great interest in basketball, stick around. If you are open to having interest in basketball, but presently don’t, you confuse me.)
You write for Memphis Sport magazine and host a sports radio show. Give me the Memphis Tiger basketball player since 2000 who was the most rewarding to watch. Now, give me the most frustrating.
Wow. The most rewarding would probably be Antonio Anderson. He’s coming to mind mainly because he is one of the most recent, but I think he fits. Not mind-blowingly athletic. Not incredibly skilled. But he came up with big plays (game-winning layup at Tulsa to keep the conference winning streak alive) and big games (clutch free throws against Texas A&M in Texas in the NCAA Tournament. Plus, he was a lock down defender.
Most frustrating may be Robert Dozier. Don’t get me wrong: Dozier was a great player and a great winner. But he had the potential to be so much more in college than he did. He wasn’t like Joey Dorsey in that he was just a freak athlete without much skill. Dozier was a great athlete and he had a fantastic skill set. I’ll say this; If Dozier had played all of the games during his junior and senior seasons the way he played in the second half against Kansas in the National Championship game, Memphis may not have lost a game for two years.
(Editor’s Note: Whew, that was fun. Okay, sports section over. Come on back from crocheting, non-sports fans.)
You are going out tonight. You are going out to do whatever it is you would like to do for a fun night of festivity and frivolity. This can include anything from vandalizing mailboxes to playing lacrosse to finishing a jigsaw puzzle. You get to assemble your posse for the night. You can pick ANY FOUR MEN OR ANY FOUR WOMEN on the planet, friends, celebrities, athletes, etc. Who is in your entourage and why?
1) The future Mrs. Jerry: she’s the beauty and because she’s the best EVER.
2) Red Jerry: the brains of the operation.
3) Big Jerry: when it goes down, he’s who I want on my side.
4) Broseph Hartelust: whatever we do, he’s probably been there and done it. Twice.
Rank these items in order of awesomeness: Beatles Rock Band, January Jones, Dutch beer, Jerry, Tiger Basketball, Thomas Jefferson.
This is an insanely difficult question for me to answer, but here goes:
2. Tiger Basketball
3. January Jones
4. Dutch beer
5. Beatles Rock Band
6. Thomas Jefferson
You can move anywhere in America for six months. Money, time, and job situation are no object. Name the place.
I would say Austin, TX because I’m interested in the scene down there but I have a strong hatred for the state of Texas. I’ll go with San Diego for the weather and the golf.
(Editor’s Note: Okay, it had been a while since we lambasted an entire state. I feel better now–Dutch is back on pace! 3,000 more words and we can get all 50 states!)
You can move anywhere on earth for six months. Same deal. Same place, or do you become an expat?
I’d become an expat, because I’d go back to Amsterdam and really live it up with my kinfolk.
We all know about Amsterdam. What’s the rest of Holland like? Tulips and windmills?
There are a lot of tulips and windmills, but there is also fantastic beer and food, great golf courses, cool pubs, soccer, cheese, attractive women and, of course, wooden shoes.
(Editor’s Note: Does any country have a weirder assortment of “things-they’re-known-for”? Tulips, windmills, wooden shoes, and the world’s best Red Light District. Also, kind-of-floods, and supertall humans. Holland is like an alternate world in an 80’s Nintendo game.)
Where will music be in 5 years? What will be the next “big thing”? Where would you like to see it go?
It will probably be just as lame as it is now, at least in the mainstream. The next big thing will be an artist who is awesome without using auto tune. I would love to see music, and maybe rock more specifically, get back to what it should be: strong lyrics about heartache, regret, whiskey-soaked beds and things-that-kick-ass. Hopefully it’s not more crap like Nickelback, or any band that wants you believe they’re good at anything having to do with music or rock.
Finally, how can I ever thank you for the support?
You’ve already done more than was ever necessary. But maybe a small picture of me in the liner notes.
Done, and Done (upon the release of 2010’s Things That Kick Ass Without Autotune.)